I’m sitting on the plane on my flight home from Texas pretending to be okay because that’s what I do when things are shitty, but the reality is that, internally, I’m falling apart. This year has been pretty awful. I distanced myself from people I never imagined I would distance myself from, watched helplessly as my grandfather suffered through cancer, and lost some of the most important men in my life. I have made countless wishes that this year would be over. Even when blowing out the candles on my birthday cake, all I could think about what how much I wanted this to be over. That was six months ago when I didn’t realize it could get even worse. Losing two grandfather figures in just over six months absolutely sucks. Death in general just sucks. I wish I could say that I see the light at the end of the tunnel, but right now I’m just forcing myself to be okay with the way things are.
So here’s where I get vulnerable. There have been times where I’ve gone through depression – just a month or two here and there. Nothing awful I guess. There were times I didn’t want to be here. Not in the suicidal way necessarily, but I just wanted to take a nap for a few months and wake up when things felt better. This year has been pretty much consumed with that feeling. Obviously it wasn’t all bad. I mean, I made some great friends, got really lucky with roommates, and found some new passions. Babies were born and my cousin got married. These are all wonderful things, but there is so much negativity that needs to be dug through to find those positives in the depths of my brain.
Honestly, I feel pretty hopeless right now. I’m crammed against the wall of an airplane writing this while listening to the playlist I had on during my graduation party because my movie refuses play on my computer. It seems like the world sees me with a glimmer of true joy in my eye and goes “oh no, that shit can not happen. I’d better do something about that” and does something to screw it up. Logically, I know that’s not how the world works, but man oh man does it feel like it.
I’m a relatively private person when it comes to feelings like these. I have no problem with people not knowing what I’m going through because, for me, it’s so much easier when people don’t know. I don’t want people asking me how I feel after the six month anniversary of my grandfather’s death or telling me that I should go see counseling services. I don’t want my parents calling me to check in thinking I’m depressed. It makes life easier for everyone when I know no one is freaking out – whether it be internally or externally – about my mental stability. I prefer to deal with it on my own time and reach out when I’m ready. Because of this, I’m honestly hesitating on posting this.
But here’s the thing: for the most part, people don’t know how hard this year has been for me. I cried for a few days after my grandpa died and maybe one other time after that, but no one knows how heavy my heart has been since losing him. And today, after finding out about Al, it was like this elephant that had just started to lose weight from her new diet got pregnant with twins or something. It sucked.
So, you may be wondering why I’m deciding to post this despite the lack of knowledge people have about my feelings. Well, here’s the thing. I started this blog to get my experiences out there since I’m not great with public speaking and would prefer everyone just read about what I have to say. My hope was that someone, anyone, would gain something from as least one of my posts. So, if I only post about things being all rainbows and butterflies, it doesn’t help anyone. Maybe, just maybe, someone will read this and feel less alone. Maybe they’ll read this and think back to a time in their life when they felt this way or maybe they’ll remember reading this later on in their lives and know that they are not the only ones to experience this. So here I am being somewhat vulnerable, fingers crossed that no one talks to me about the feelings I’ve expressed here, and hoping that at least one person will feel less alone in their struggles as 2016 comes to an end.